The School Lunch Experience
a skit by Joe Thompson
(I wrote this one for the freshman one acts at our school this year)

Brad:
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh.

Tiffani:
What are you going on about? Calm down.

Brad:
My lunch. it- my lunch!

Tiffani:
Yes, it is your lunch. You bought it, so that makes it yours.

Brad:
No, you don't understand. It - my lunch – it. . .

Tiffani:
Communication isn't one of your strong points is it?

Deborah:
His lunch - it, well it. . .

Tiffani:
Yes, thank you.  You've made things a lot clearer.

Deborah:
It moved. His lunch moved.

All:
Ewwwwwwwwwwww

Megan:
Everybody move away from the table slowly. Brad what are you doing?

Brad:
I want to see if it's alive.

Megan:
You're going to antagonize it. Somebody, go get a teacher or an administrator or someone.

Betsy:
Why? I don’t think they’ll eat it either.

Anne:
What did you order?

Brad:
A hamburger. Why?

Anne:
I just want to be sure to order something else.

Betsy:
Are you sure it moved? It looks normal to me.

Anne:
Normal is relative.

Betsy:
I don't have any normal relatives.

Deborah:
(Begins to cry) I'm scared. Lunches shouldn't move. This is not the natural order of things. The universe is in chaos. Photosynthesis is dead. Inertia is dead. Mitosis is ended.

Megan:
I hate science geeks. Listen up. I am going to get the cafeteria lady to look at this. Be right back.

Tiffani:
Ummm. I was wondering: why are we still here?

Brad:
What do you mean?

Tiffani:
Well, why are we in proximity to a moving lunch. Shouldn't we like - get out of here. Maybe go home or go to the mall or something?

Brad:
I want to see what happens.  Does anybody have a stick? I want to whack it and see if it does anything.

Betsy:
Sure Brad. We all carry sticks in our book bags just in case our lunches try to get away. Why, only this morning when I was beating my breakfast to a pulp, I thought to myself: boy, it sure is lucky that I carry this stick just for this sort of thing.

Brad:
Really? Or are you being sarcastic?

Tiffani:
No, she means it. We all carry sticks in our backpacks. Please don't tell me you don't have yours?

Brad:
Very funny. Ha ha. It is so funny I forgot to laugh.

Tiffani:
I hate it when people say that. You did laugh. You said Ha, Ha. Then you said you forgot to laugh.

Cafeteria Lady:
What's going on here?  Where is this so called ambulatory hamburger?

Megan:
There it is. That one.

Cafeteria Lady:
Are you all absolutely sure it moved? It looks pretty normal now. Does anybody have a stick?

Brad:
We've already been through that.

Cafeteria Lady:
(Jumps toward the hamburger) Boo! See, Nothing. It didn’t move an inch. I hereby declare this burger inanimate. How about the fries? Are they OK? Have they been crawling around on the plate or anything?

Deborah:
No! it was just the burger. It really did move. Oh my god, there it goes. It's moved again.

Cafeteria Lady:
I didn't see it move.

Megan:
I believe we have established the mobility of the meat beyond a shadow of a doubt. We have several reliable witnesses. It moved. Case closed.

Anne:
Well, you can't actually call Brad reliable. Did you know that once he told me that he was really from Mars?

Brad:
I was in the third grade!

Anne:
So, what are you saying? You used to be from Mars but now you're not? See that isn't very reliable.

Brad:
My lunch moved. It moved on this plate on this table and I demand that something be done about it. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. When we come to school the last thing we expect to encounter is a lunch that moves from point a to point b without any human intervention.

Cafeteria Lady:
Maybe you should order your food well done from on if it bothers you so much.  I thought this was the generation of Fast food. Tell you what, why don’t I give each of you a free hamburger?

All:
Noooooooo

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